08/feb/2014 [EN]

And so once again I see myself walking at night, feeling a sensation that for long I haven't felt.

I don't feel fear as erstwhile, howevert what I feel maybe is even worst.

I notice the light changing, and everything becoming clearer.

I look above and I notice that it is about the clouds which scattered, thus revealing me that it was a full Moon night.

A place and illumination those are so familiar to me, even so something bothers me this time. Surely the nostalgia that situation caused me, making me remember of other times, of an other "me".

I stared down again. I kept there for a while looking at my shadow cast onto the ground. I remember that on these other times I used to be in love for my shadow.

Not only for my shadow, but for myself. The such "pride" that all young have.

I looked then to my hands, I contemplated them by the Moon light. My so criticized fingernails were there, reminding me of the vow I made on the last time I had been there. Vow which will complete twenty years in a few months.

Wondering about, I realise how disturbing it is the way things tend to lost their meanings in this life. What I used to search for was so logical, reasonable, concret and magnificent. I used to consider me someone dignified and correct, therefore deserver of what I quested. And today what remains are echoes in my mind of words spoken by me in a pride outbreak, losing their meanings on each time they repeat, and the solidity of that "major-goal" of mine seems more with a carrot hanged on the end of a stick tied on the head of a horse at each step I take towards it.

My eyes started to weep and I lost my strength of keeping on my feet.

I knelt and cried.

I cried a pain which I don't know where I am carrying it to. I bowed myself by the weight of repentance. I cried for those whose the sorrows I caused, I hadn't time to apologize. I cried for being lost and ungrounded. I cried for not being able to "un-learn" certain things I've learned.

I used to love the night, the Moon, the fields. I used to love the happiness I used to feel due to the emptiness existing in my mind. Some nights were so magical that it was as if I were able to feel the light descending through the air and touching everyting around me. But this time, the light was hurting me. The silence was hurting me. To be "me" was hurting me.

"Pride today, regret tomorrow!" I used to say. not knowing that I was actually prophesying, because on this night I understood well what this "me" was meaning.